Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
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