Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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