you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
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its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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