So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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