So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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