Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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