The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
