I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
