I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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