Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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