Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
