Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
