i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
