I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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