someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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