I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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