I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
