I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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