i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
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I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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