a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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