that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
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Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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