you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
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I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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