Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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