She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I could make wine with my vomit
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
