Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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