i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
