I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
where are my eyebrows?
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