If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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