I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
