So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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