i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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