He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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