Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
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So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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