I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
