i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
being pregnant is like rehab
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
