It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize