she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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