i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
