Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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