just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
