Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
