Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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