Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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