im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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