You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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