I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
