you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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