Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i've created a new STD.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
