Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
