My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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