I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize