since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
